🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.